Same load of crap with a "9" after it....

Well, I sat through another "New Years" here in the Big Apple. To my disappointment: I saw no comets hurtling towards the Earth, Supervolcanos erupting in Wyoming, hungry singularities in Sweden or your run-of-the-mill Cloverfield monster. Since the world didn't end I can only assume the Mayans might be on the right track. Since my childhood dream of Armageddon never showed I guess I have to wish everyone a happy new year. And, as a reminder of the opportunities that await you towards the end of the world, I present this:

Happy 2009!

Christmas Bitches!

What's up all you out there in the aether?! Felt I should post a pile of Christmas wonderfulness for you all. Enjoi!

Happy Birthday Jesus!

*UPDATE*

Well, since me dancing with Hitler, Bush, the Pope and Ted Turner seems to have been ingested by the Elf over at "Elf Yourself" I felt I should replace it with something so, here's a video of Hitler in drag singing about oral sex. Enjoy!

Before work this morning, I stepped out to one of the most wonderful sights I've seen since relocating to the Big Apple:

As soon as the election results were in it was off to work for me. I had a quick celebratory glass of wine and headed out the door to catch the subway and head downtown. What met me in the streets was nothing short of amazing. Thousands of people had taken to the streets and were cheering, hugging, dancing and yes, throwing toilet paper over everything. Police, ambulance, fire trucks, taxis and car services were driving by with lights flashing, sirens blazing and horns honking. There was a sense(dare I call it hope/relief?) that was almost palpable. Such a splendid night. And, for the first time since I was old enough to pay attention to the world around me, I was truly pleased with us as a people. We had an opportunity to change our fate and we didn't screw it up. There's a lot left to traverse and we'll see if Obama holds up his end of the deal but yesterday was a truly, truly historic night. Enjoy one and all.

I have slayed the laundry demon. A challenge brought forth to me by some sort of challenge-bringing demigod. "Go forth!" he spake unto me like a mother yelling at her child for spilling milk and cereal all over the new rug that she just had installed between sobs and screams over "grown up juice" that she drinks because she loves you so much. "Go forth until all that remains is bubbly-suds and the heavenly scent of lavender!" and slay I did. But on returning from my journey, I was stopped outside my lair of slumber-sleeps by a veritable armada of apartment gnomes who had taken up residence while I was out being way nobler then everyone else. "None shall pass!" they said. I quickly retorted: "Hey, no fair! That's from "Monty Python"! Don't you guys got any of your own sayings?". After much murmuring and consulting, the one I assumed to be the leader spake thusly: "Actually, it's from "Lord of the Rings". We're far too young to be quoting "Monty Python". Apartment gnomes have a lifespan of your average hamster." I started to wonder why I had not encountered these gnomes earlier. I had only been gone two days and surely most hamsters live longer then that. But no time for quizzical thinking. "Never mind your silly movie jargon! Out my way mini demons for I must sleep before my journey to the land of Work tomorrow!" The gnomes held their ground and screamed, "Then prepare ye spirit for battle, Giant!" I unsheathed my spiked toilet brush and readied my noble steed(who, for sake of this telling, is named Hubert Humfris). "Rise noble Hubert and prepare thee for battle!" I could sense fear in the gnomes. They trembled in their elfin shoes and prayed to the gnome Jesus. I let out a ferocious cry and Hubert promptly loosed his bowels all over my shoes. Apologizing to Huburt for scaring the shit out of him I let out a not-quite-as-ferocious cry, mounted my steed and charged the gnomes. As I crossed no-man's land my eyes gaped in absolute terror. The gnomes had with them a canine of the candy variety! Brought up from some sticky R'lyeh deep within a taffy machine in the bowels of sweet, sweet Hell! The dog let out a bone chilling yelp before spewing a horrendous stream of sugary cane water in my direction! Huburt, quick on his hooves, quickly took flight missing the sugary sap stream by mere inches. Now the gnomes and their demon candy-dog would have to withstand an aerial assault! All we had to do was find the leader(apartment gnomes can't function without some form of authoritative leadership). Finding the leader was a rather easy feat(he was wearing a hat with "LEADER" written across the bill). Upon spotting the leader I dropped down onto him from above like rain, if rain was a large guy in armor riding a flying horse. I withdrew the spiked toilet brush and charged my adversary. Luckily, apartment gnomes have difficulty reacting under pressure. With one quick swipe of my brush I slashed the leaders "Leader" hat in two. At that instant the ground started to give way and a shriek like no shriek I have ever heard before spilled forth from the bowels of Mother Gaia and swallowed up the leader in a sight so horrific it shall never be described to another living soul. Of the gnome bodies that remained, I helped myself to a few of their heads. They are now neatly propped outside my door as a warning to further gnomes. Sleep comes naturally to the victorious but when one has been through my experiences one always learns to sleep with one eye opened....looking for gnomes.

Welcome to the first posting in what will soon be the most valuable literary work in mankind's limited history of limited understanding! I'm not sure what subsequent posts will contain but I assure you they will be nothing short of bowel-expulsion greatness! I've decided to expand my medium: moving from drunken scrawls on receipts and take-out menus to some sort of lasting format here on the internets. I have uploaded my brain to cyberspace. It's a lot like that movie “The Lawnmower Man” but much more interesting and a hell of a lot less disappointing. At this point I might write something about myself but if you're actually still reading this, you're probably friend or family as no stranger would have made it past the first few sentences without thinking to themselves, “Fuck this ego-maniacal, self-praising genius! I've got better things to do with my time” *turns on American Gladiators*. I am not expecting any sort of congruency or correlation between postings here, this will pretty much be a creative literary playpen for the gnome that lives in my head and steals my thoughts.

mood: Mildly excited, entirely excitable