I have slayed the laundry demon. A challenge brought forth to me by some sort of challenge-bringing demigod. "Go forth!" he spake unto me like a mother yelling at her child for spilling milk and cereal all over the new rug that she just had installed between sobs and screams over "grown up juice" that she drinks because she loves you so much. "Go forth until all that remains is bubbly-suds and the heavenly scent of lavender!" and slay I did. But on returning from my journey, I was stopped outside my lair of slumber-sleeps by a veritable armada of apartment gnomes who had taken up residence while I was out being way nobler then everyone else. "None shall pass!" they said. I quickly retorted: "Hey, no fair! That's from "Monty Python"! Don't you guys got any of your own sayings?". After much murmuring and consulting, the one I assumed to be the leader spake thusly: "Actually, it's from "Lord of the Rings". We're far too young to be quoting "Monty Python". Apartment gnomes have a lifespan of your average hamster." I started to wonder why I had not encountered these gnomes earlier. I had only been gone two days and surely most hamsters live longer then that. But no time for quizzical thinking. "Never mind your silly movie jargon! Out my way mini demons for I must sleep before my journey to the land of Work tomorrow!" The gnomes held their ground and screamed, "Then prepare ye spirit for battle, Giant!" I unsheathed my spiked toilet brush and readied my noble steed(who, for sake of this telling, is named Hubert Humfris). "Rise noble Hubert and prepare thee for battle!" I could sense fear in the gnomes. They trembled in their elfin shoes and prayed to the gnome Jesus. I let out a ferocious cry and Hubert promptly loosed his bowels all over my shoes. Apologizing to Huburt for scaring the shit out of him I let out a not-quite-as-ferocious cry, mounted my steed and charged the gnomes. As I crossed no-man's land my eyes gaped in absolute terror. The gnomes had with them a canine of the candy variety! Brought up from some sticky R'lyeh deep within a taffy machine in the bowels of sweet, sweet Hell! The dog let out a bone chilling yelp before spewing a horrendous stream of sugary cane water in my direction! Huburt, quick on his hooves, quickly took flight missing the sugary sap stream by mere inches. Now the gnomes and their demon candy-dog would have to withstand an aerial assault! All we had to do was find the leader(apartment gnomes can't function without some form of authoritative leadership). Finding the leader was a rather easy feat(he was wearing a hat with "LEADER" written across the bill). Upon spotting the leader I dropped down onto him from above like rain, if rain was a large guy in armor riding a flying horse. I withdrew the spiked toilet brush and charged my adversary. Luckily, apartment gnomes have difficulty reacting under pressure. With one quick swipe of my brush I slashed the leaders "Leader" hat in two. At that instant the ground started to give way and a shriek like no shriek I have ever heard before spilled forth from the bowels of Mother Gaia and swallowed up the leader in a sight so horrific it shall never be described to another living soul. Of the gnome bodies that remained, I helped myself to a few of their heads. They are now neatly propped outside my door as a warning to further gnomes. Sleep comes naturally to the victorious but when one has been through my experiences one always learns to sleep with one eye opened....looking for gnomes.